


A Much Darker, More Difficult Place

by otppurefuckingmagic



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Closeted Alec, Determined Magnus, Drabble, Heartbroken Magnus, M/M, Malec, Malec Angst, Missing Scene, POV Magnus Bane, S1E7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:37:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6118104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otppurefuckingmagic/pseuds/otppurefuckingmagic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Shadowhunters!Magnus POV that comes after Alec has left Magnus’ loft the night of Luke’s injury. This follows the Alec POV I wrote <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6099073">here</a>. Apparently I have a thing for Malec!Angst. Ugh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Much Darker, More Difficult Place

Magnus lowered himself onto his couch slowly and rested his head against the back, closing his eyes. He was bone-weary and confused—so confused—much more than he had been in a long time.

The memory of Alec’s words as he’d left Magnus’ loft ricocheted through his head, muddling his thoughts even more. Alec wanted to see him again, yet Magnus was sure that Alec was only now awakening to his own reality. He’d thought Alec was closeted, but now he realized that Alec’s hesitancy came from a much darker, more difficult place. Alec wasn’t hiding who he was, he _didn’t know_ who he was.

Alec was only beginning to understand that he was gay.

It was a realization that forced Magnus to completely shift his perceptions and to ignore his own experiences. To try to see Alec through the lens of a much different worldview. To meet Alec where he was now, versus where he’d thought Alec was coming from.

Magnus knew the Nephilim were notoriously homophobic. They didn’t just deny the existence of non-straight people in their ranks; they actively shunned those they thought had chosen a lifestyle that didn’t fit their narrow mindset.

It was a dangerous and disgusting precept that fit entirely too well with how Downworlders perceived Shadowhunters. Magnus had carried that bias with him for centuries at this point, and he had to admit it had clouded his first interactions with Alec.

Yet something in Alec had called to him—regardless of the stain of bigotry Alec carried by association. The pure unselfishness he’d already seen in Alec was not only rare—it was a gift to be celebrated. Treasured.

Magnus had no doubt that Alec didn’t see himself that way, though.

It was no coincidence that Alec’s most visible rune—prominently splayed across his neck in bold strokes—was _deflect_. Alec likely believed he’d placed that Mark there in order to strengthen himself in battle. But Magnus was sure that Alec hadn’t been consciously preparing for the war he thought he was.

Alec’s real battle was internal.

Alec was attempting to deflect _himself_ from seeing who he truly was.

Jace’s most prominent rune was for heightened speed—a mark that bolstered his own prowess and ego. Izzy’s was the angelic power rune centered on her chest—an audacious, undeniable statement about her surety of her role in life. Clary’s was the _iratze_ —and although it hadn’t been burned into her skin by her own hand, the intention of healing was one that fit with Clary’s need to set the world into balance again.

Their most prominent Marks were positive—reinforcing their individual strengths.

Alec’s Mark was defensive. A Mark meant to maintain a barrier between Alec and those who tried to get close to him. A barrier between Alec and himself.

For Magnus, that thought was heartbreaking. Alec was a natural leader—a man who offered his protection because it was _right_. He deserved the same level of loyalty that he gave freely to everyone else. He deserved to be respected for _all_ of who he was. He deserved to love himself.

Magnus dug the heels of his hands into his eyes—smudging his makeup and making his eyes burn—as the depth of what he was feeling settled in. He _needed_ Alec to see his own worth.

He was about to make a mistake that could potentially take him centuries to overcome. Alec’s existence would be a mere blink in the universe’s eye, but Magnus had to push that thought aside for now.

His time, his power, and his heart were his gifts to give.

And he already knew—with painful clarity—that he would offer all of himself to see Alec exist in a much brighter, more beautiful place.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr @otppurefuckingmagic ♡


End file.
